


Somewhere between the hand and the brain

by phage_phi



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 06:17:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19882996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phage_phi/pseuds/phage_phi
Summary: In this universe, Isak and Even are separated by age, but manage to meet anyway (with a little help from Grindr)





	Somewhere between the hand and the brain

It’s not that kissing girls makes Isak nauseous or anything, it’s just that it doesn’t make him feel anything at all, and when Emma dropped to her knees he didn’t feel anything but fear that his disinterest would be apparent.

Ok, so yes, Isak’s gay, he’s admitted as much to himself, it’s just that he’s not ready to admit it to anyone else. He just doesn’t want to be the gay guy, to be defined by something that feels so fundamentally out of his control. And maybe he’s a bit afraid that the guys will treat him differently, that Jonas will treat him differently. It’s not that he really, truly thinks Jonas will stop being his friend or that he’ll be in any way shitty about it, and it’s not even as if Isak’s still got that ill-advised crush. He’s over that, mostly. It’s just that maybe Jonas won’t touch him as easily anymore, maybe he’ll hesitate before throwing an arm around Isak, maybe things will be different, change.

Some people might say that change can be a good thing, but change never much appealed to Isak, each time something changed in his life it hasn’t exactly been for the better. But he tries not to think about that, tries to be fine living in a strange flat share and persisting on kebabs and toast, because for some reason neither of his parents ever thought that cooking was a skill that he would need. Which is stupid, because everyone needs food. His flatmates aren’t much help either as Eskild tends to eat mostly salads and weird super health food with the not so occasional pizza when that becomes too soul destroying or something, and Isak’s not got much of an idea about what Linn eats. He guesses she must eat something as she’s alive and doesn’t look particularly malnourished. 

It might sound like he doesn’t like his flatmates but he does, and though he wouldn’t like to admit it, Eskild’s probably in some ways saved his life. But sometimes it’s hard to be around him, because he’s so open about who he is and Isak knows that Eskild knows that Isak’s gay. But Eskild’s too good of a person to say anything to Isak about that, probably figures Isak’s allowed to do things at his own way, no matter how ill advised. 

This evening there’s no party and no Emma or any other girl to pretend to be into, so Isak’s just lying on his bed browsing the internet (looking at porn) and being generally depressed about his life. Sometimes he just feels so lonely and maybe if he believed that coming out would actually give him a ready made boyfriend he might actually do it. It’s just that Isak doesn’t know a single gay person at Nissen, probably Eskild is the only gay person he knows. And though Isak might have some game with girls he really doesn’t think any guy he liked could ever be into him, it just seems like outside the realm of possibilities. 

Maybe it’s the thought that he hasn’t even kissed a guy that makes him log onto Grindr again. His profile name is Everett though he doesn’t think most people on Grindr are even familiar with the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics. His photo is a shoddy shot of some chest-stomach-hipbone but that doesn’t prevent the messages from appearing in his inbox. His profile also states that he’s twenty, but seventeen isn’t that far from twenty anyway.

He scrolls through a few messages asking for the size of his dick and whether he’s a bottom as he gets stuck on a message that stands out, only because it’s not a direct proposition for sex.

_Your profile name is not by any chance a reference to Everett Lewis, the -maybe not that great- director?_

And maybe Isak should like google Everett Lewis or something but it’s such an unexpected question that he clicks on the profile name -Baz- instead, and finds himself staring at an artfully taken black and white photo of a slender torso. It’s not that fundamentally different than Isak’s own photo, only that it sort of looks professional and Isak’s looks like it might be taken by a not that bright three year old. Baz is apparently thirty which is sort of old, but the torso doesn’t look old, and anyway Isak’s not going to fuck him, just reply to his ridiculous message. 

_No, it’s a reference to the -maybe great but largely mocked during his lifetime- quantum physicist Hugh Everett III. Is perhaps Baz a reference to Farouk El-Baz?_

The reply was almost instant.

_No! Baz Luhrmann, the great director. I can’t believe I found the only guy on here that seems to know more about quantum physics ??? than movies._

_Quantum physics is far more interesting than movies._ Isak doesn’t know why he’s defending himself to some film nerd on Grindr, but it’s not as if he has anything better to do with his time unless he wants to send pictures of his dick to strangers. 

_I don’t know what to reply to that as I don’t even understand what quantum physics is._

_Most people don’t._ Isak almost regrets the reply as soon as he sends it as it does make him sound a bit like an asshole who thinks he’s smarter than other people. Which might be sort of true, but for some reason he doesn’t want to scare ‘Baz’ away. 

I _’m sure, and just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s not cool that you do. I’ve always liked people smarter than me ;-)_

Isak finds himself blushing in response to this, grateful that he’s behind a screen. He’s never ever going to be able to consider flirting with guy in real life, that’s for sure. 

_Well, I guess not everyone needs to know quantum physics, I’m sure there’s professions where a fundamental understanding of reality is not necessary._

_Obviously I prefer non-reality. Stories! Great romances! Great tragedies!_

Isak can’t help but grin at the ridiculousness. 

_I hope that’s going well for you._

_I might not be directing epic romances yet, but I still plan to get there._

_You’re like really old though, shouldn’t you have it all figured out by now._

_God you’re so young. I also thought I had my life all planned out at twenty. And now I’m a thirty year old recently divorced bipolar, pansexual guy who is trying to find companionship on Grindr and trying to tastefully direct some kind of norwegian horror show about trolls that will probably be scrapped before it ever sees the light of day._

There’s so much to take apart in that one message that Isak doesn’t even really know what part of that to even try to respond to. Divorced? Bipolar? Pansexual?

_Trolls?_ Is the intelligent response he goes with instead.

_That’s the most interesting part of that statement for you? I don’t know if I should feel relieved or insulted. And yes, trolls, as in trolls played by people in make up and costume. Bad make up and costume since the budget is very limited. No cgi, that’s way out of our league. I think the trolls are supposed to be metaphors for something but it’s frankly unclear due to the terrible script. I don’t even think the real Baz Luhrmann could save this._

_I’ll try not to blame you if I ever see it on TV._

_I blame me. Are you doing something equally important with you life? I’m actually sort of assuming you’re a student._

_That assumption is correct. I am indeed a student._ Probably the assumption is a university student as Isak’s claiming to be twenty but he feels quite certain he knows enough about physics or biology or something to fake being at university to someone who’s not into science at all. 

Not that he’s thinking this is going to lead somewhere else. 

‘Baz’ apparently has other ideas.

_I can’t believe I’m asking someone ten years younger than me this, but would you like to meet? I’m not being creepy, am I? Also I mean meet for coffee somewhere, not come over to my flat and… I’m starting to realise that Grindr is not my kind of place maybe. But really, I’m intrigued by you and your quantum physics and your blurry left nipple._

Isak doesn’t really know what to do. Some part of him wants to just log out and delete his account and every trace of himself from the internet, but a part that’s getting larger and larger wants to throw himself out there, wants to take a chance even if it might end disastrously.

_I’m not sure how creepy you are but I’m happy to meet in a public place :)_

_Do you know KB, the one by UiO? We could meet there?_

It’s not the most convenient place for Isak but as he’s supposed to be a university student he’ll have to go with it. 

_Sounds good. When?_

_Tomorrow? It’s Sunday then and Sundays are the days for coffee dates. Around 11?_

_Ok. How will I find you?_

_I’ll be the tallest guy there, probably. I’ll wear a bright purple t-shirt!_

_right._

_I’m Even by the way. If we’re meeting I prefer not to be known as Baz._

_I’m Isak._ And that’s terrifying to send as if Even could identify him by his first name (and fake age) only. Even. It’s a nice name. 

They chat a little bit more but by now it’s apparent that they’re both just anticipating to meet and they soon say there goodbyes see you tomorrows and then Isak realises it’s after midnight but his heart is pounding so hard it’s almost certainly going to be impossible for him to fall asleep. 

The next morning Isak’s had way too little sleep as expected and is panicking as he’s digging through his wardrobe trying to find clothes that doesn’t scream high school student desperately pretending to be straight. He wishes he could ask Eskild for help but Eskild would ask way too many questions that Isak’s really not up for answering at the moment. In the end he chooses a pair of slim grey jeans and a deep red button down shirt. He decides on no snapback as he has a feeling it does not make him look especially mature and tries to make his curls look at least somewhat decent. It’s a mess but not much he can do about it. Well, girls always seem to like his hair. Maybe that’s true for guys as well. He puts on a jacket and a scarf and toes his shoes on and tries to sneak out of the apartment without being seen. Which is, of course, a failure. 

“Isak!” Eskild’s as loud as ever, "I haven’t seen you since like Thursday, what are you up to?”

“was just hungover since Friday, but I’m going over to see the guys now.”

“Ok, ok, we’ll catch up later. Like the hair by the way!”

And Isak escapes the flat avoiding any further conversation. 

He almost jumps off the tram each time it stops but something makes him stick to it despite all his fears. If he risks nothing he’ll never have anything either, and maybe it’s stupid to put so much hope into seeing some weird, way too old for him, guy that he’s only chatted with once on Grindr of all places. But he guesses that even if it all goes terribly wrong, he at least tried, he won’t have just stayed in his bed all weekend feeling shitty about his life

Even regrets telling Mikael that he has a date with a twenty year old boy from Grindr almost as soon as he tells him. 

“It’s not a mid life crisis!” He half shouts into his phone. “I’m only thirtyyears old, I really don’t think I’m mid life yet.”

“I’m just saying that maybe there’s better ways to meet new people, maybe people your own age.”

“Well, I really only hang with you and the guys anyway, all my other friends were more like Sonja’s friends anyway. Or at least she got them in the divorce. I’m just going to meet with him,you know. You’re the one who’s been pestering me to get out and meet new people anyway.”

“Not really going the way I imagined.” Mikael sighs, obviously exasperated with Even as usual. “What’s so special about this guy anyway?”

“Well, you know, his handle was Everett so I thought it was after I don’t know the actor Rupert Everett or something so I made a stupid comment asking if it was after this obscure director instead just to start a conversation but apparently it was after a quantum physicist?”

“You’re too easily impressed. He could just google some physicist to sound smart anyway.”

“I’m quite sure he’s some sort of science student actually.”

“Then what the hell do you have in common? I know you’re a smart guy Even but science is your thing about as much as it is mine.”

“opposites attract!” Even is not entirely sure why he’s so insistent on doing this, he’s just got a really good feeling about this, a feeling that tells him that this Isak is special, that there’s something there. But he can’t tell Mikael that he’s having these kind of thoughts about a guy he’s just talked to online with once. Mikael’s great about Even’s more peculiar habits and ideas but he still gets worried that Even’s getting manic when he does something a little too much out of the box. No matter that Even’s not had a real episode in over a year. Even understands why he worries. Even understood why Sonja worried as well but in the end he thinks her worries came mostly from obligation rather than love which is when it became unbearable for both of them. But Even does not want to think about that today. 

“Ok,” Mikael’s resigned now, “Good luck! And don’t become a cliche who dates younger and younger people as you age.”

“Thank you! And shut up.” He hangs up the phone and checks his hair in the mirror once more before heading out. The purple t-shirt he’s wearing is almost offensively bright but he knows by now that he looks good, it’s not his face or his body that might make him an unattractive prospect to date, he’s lived long enough by now to know that. 

He arrives at the coffee shop about ten minutes early and takes a seat at a table against the wall from which he is visible from the entrance. He wants Isak to be able to find him after all.

He decides to wait to order until Isak arrives, at least he wants to offer to buy him a coffee or something. When it’s two minutes past eleven Even is already fidgeting and becoming convinced that Isak’s changed his mind, or simply doesn’t exist at all, maybe he’s a sixty year old physics professor using a very terrible stock image to chat with guys online. 

The cafe isn’t that busy so when the door bursts open at three minutes past eleven Even looks up at the door. The boy who enters is tall, though not as tall as Even obviously, and he has golden curls and a face that is pretty and young looking, perhaps too young-looking to be Isak, and Even feels a bit like a creep again, just as he did when he first started chatting to Isak, when he first asked him to meet. It’s really not something that he even thought he would do. When he signed up at Grindr the plan was maybe to meet someone his own age for some fun an experimentation. 

Then the beautiful boy looks around the room and his eyes focus on Even almost immediately, flickering down to his bright purple shirt and up to his face again. Then there’s a blush forming on the boy’s cheeks and Even’s almost completely convinced that this is Isak now, so he raises his hand in some kind of greeting. Isak flushes a deeper red and looks briefly at the floor, before he very obviously takes a deep breath and heads towards Even. He’s adorable.

When Isak reaches Even’s table he doesn’t sit down, just shuffles his feet at the other side of the table.

“Hi!” Even says, “I’m Even and I’m hoping you’re Isak.” He holds out his hands which Isak takes and shakes in a weird formal way, though his grip is dry and firm.

“I’m Isak, yes.” 

“Sit down and join me?” Even suggests and Isak finally does.

“Can I get you a drink?” Even asks, “I don’t know what you like, obviously, so I was waiting for you to arrive.”

“Uh, I don’t really like coffee,” Isak says.

“What about hot chocolate?” Even suggests, “I feel like some chocolate myself today actually. Probably because I already had three cups of coffee before coming here.”

“Yeah, ok,” Isak agrees and Even’s out of his chair before Isak’s even finished speaking. 

There’s not a long wait until Even can order but he can’t help glancing over at Isak every few seconds. Isak is fiddling with his phone but glances up towards Even only to look down again as soon as their eyes meet. Luckily the barista is very quick to make two hot chocolates and Even’s back across from Isak within just a few minutes.

“Thanks,” Isak says as Even puts a mug of hot chocolate down in front of him. 

“You’re welcome! I’m glad you agreed to see me.”

“I’m glad I did,” And Isak smiles, crookedly with one side of his mouth and it makes Even want to kiss him, and oh god he really has to chill a bit as he actually does not wish to scare Isak away on their first date by being overly forward. “I’ve never really done this before,” Isak continues. 

“Me neither really,” Even says, “I was with my ex-wife for so much of my life that I’ve not much experience going on actual dates. Like, we had some breaks when we were younger but then it was mostly crazy experimentation you now.” And Even knows he’s probably talking too much, telling too much, but something makes it almost impossible to stop.“You know, trying all the things you can’t do when you’re in a committed relationship with a woman,” he continues instead of doing the sensible thing of shutting up.

“Uh, I don’t think..” Isak hesitates, and Even smiles encouragingly at him, “I’m not really into women at all.” And he takes a big gulp of his drink which must honestly be scalding his tongue. 

“Well, I was hoping you’re into men,” Even just says.

“yeah, I guess it just took some time to admit that, even to myself. I always wanted to be just like everybody else.” Isak looks down at the table as if he’s ashamed of not being able to be out and proud just like that. And Even understand the feeling of just wanting to be normal all too well, even though he’s accepted who he is by now. At least most of the time, he doesn’t think anyone accepts all parts of themselves all the time. At least not when they’re occasional fuck ups like Even.

“Hey, I totally get that,” Even says, “It wasn’t ever a straightforward journey for me either, even if I might seem like I’m totally cool with everything now. This stuff takes time.”

Isak looks up and meet his eyes again. Isak’s eyes are green and slightly mesmerising and Even’s not sure he’s felt like this the first time he met anyone before.

“So how’s it going with the trolls?” Isak asks and Even is a bit relieved to move on towards lighter subjects and he can honestly talk forever about the pains and the occasional delights of directing shitty television. 

Time sort of flies after that and he gets Isak to tell him a little bit of himself as well, so he learns that Isak’s student (of physics) and that he wants to be a researcher in the future but doesn’t know yet what he wants to focus on exactly as there are so many interesting things out there, and that he lives in a flat share with another guy and a girl and also that he can’t cook and tends to live on kebabs. 

It’s when he mention this that Even realises that he’s getting hungry and that he should be getting home and cooking lunch and be responsible. But he also wants to talk to Isak forever, and perhaps save him from living on fast food.

“I’m going to be slightly too forward again,” Even warns, “but since it’s worked well for me so far I’m to go for it. So can I cook you lunch? My place is actually only a fifteen minute walk from here.”

“i’m not actually malnourished, you know,” Isak jokes, “I can take care of myself.”

“I’m certain of that,”Even agrees, “but I’d like for this date to continue for a bit longer.”

“Yeah, me too,” Isak smiles and ducks his head. 

“I’m not inviting you over just to have my way with you, I promise.” And he’s definitely not, he’ll let Isak have all the time he needs, even though Even wants to dive head first into this, whatever it turns out to be. 

Isak just laughs, albeit a bit nervously.

“Like I would ever say no to free food.” He then looks Even up and down briefly, “wait you’re not some weird health food hippie are you? Are you going to serve me quinoa and broccoli?”

“Nothing wrong with either quinoa or broccoli, Isak! But no, I was just thinking I’ll make some pasta.

“I’ll eat pasta.” Isak smiles at Even, “probably I would have eaten the quinoa as well.”

And Even leads the way from the coffee shop, and they walk slowly next to each other, close enough to touch, but not touching. Even would like to hold Isak’s hand, or wrap an arm around Isak’s shoulder, but he’s quite certain they’re not there yet. 

They reach Even’s building soon enough, perhaps too soon. It’s nothing special, just your standard modern apartment building. It’s not exactly Even’s dream flat, just a place he moved when his marriage ended. Sonja might have left the country but their flat had been both too large and too full of memories to keep. He’s tried to make this one a home though, even though it’s not a place he sees himself staying in forever, so he’s perfectly happy to show Isak up the stairs to the first floor and invite him in.


End file.
